USC Defunds Daily Trojan to Fund Sack of Troy
By Violet Rose Wang
LOS ANGELES, CA – In light of the Daily Trojan announcing that USC has slashed their budget, the Sack of Troy would like to announce news on our funding as well: All that money’s coming to us, bitches!
What does the funding of the Sack of Troy mean for the students? Well, instead of stupid ass newspapers being around every corner for you to wipe your hands with, they’ll be replaced with massive, 1984-style pro-USC propaganda posters. Secondly, every lecture, lab, lecture-lab, lab-lecture, and chocolate lab will begin with a mandatory reading of the latest Sack of Troy article. Speaking of, Sack of Troy will soon be doubling its article production rate after we invade UCLA’s infamous newspaper, the Westwood Enabler.
We’re also proud to announce that the funding from our dear benefactors will allow us to improve not just in quantity, but in quality, too. That’s right: There’ll be more football references. There’ll be more classism. There’ll be more biting criticisms of USC that blame the students and faculty rather than the administration in order to subtly lead the populace to blame themselves and each other for the faults of the higher-ups, allowing admin to continue to gain riches while slashing benefits, cutting corners, and raising tuition. And of course, there’ll definitely be more Carrot Guy articles.
Oh, and a note to our competition at the Daily Trojan: We had no idea the funding for us would be coming from you guys. It’s just a happy accident! This is what you get for not responding to us on Instagram.
