The Keebler Elves Break Into the Vape Industry
By Nino Muratori
KEEBLER HOLLOW TREE FACTORY, PA – Not to get political, but it’s no secret that “Sleepy” Joe Biden royally fucked over the economy. This led to the devastation of many national industries, but one in particular got hit the hardest: the cookie industry. Now red-blooded, God-fearing, American elves are breaking into the vape industry.
Ernie Keebler, the patriarch of the Keebler cookie empire, explained his career pivot. “I had to adapt with my customers. The young, cute kids who ate my cookies back then are now college douchebags who huff Galaxy Gas like there’s no tomorrow. So it made sense for us to deliver them some nostalgia in a form that fits the cuck persona.”
Thankfully for Mr. Keebler, most of his staff have been quite optimistic about the change of pace. Flo, Ernie’s wife and CFO, is quite happy about the change. “Ernie has really hit his stride with vapes. I wasn’t so sure at first but once we secured the rights to the name ELFBAR, our stock shot up 34%! People love our products and we’re no longer contributing to childhood obesity! We’re only adding to a severe rise in under-researched youth lung disease!”
As for how Keebler creates his absurdly popular vapes, he elicits the help of approximately 2,000 elf children between 12 and 17. This elf brigade works in a Triangle-Shirtwaist-esque working facility, where the vapes are assembled en masse. Then the signature cookie flavoring is created in Keebler’s self-invented “Cookie Vaporizer 9000.” This definitely not OSHA-approved device takes freshly baked cookies and vaporizes them, and this vapor is then transferred into the vapes. Unfortunately, an elf accidentally gets vaporized from time to time, so sometimes an elf-flavored vape gets mistakenly packaged. Unfortunately, no Golden Ticket is awarded with this rare flavor, only a crippling moral dilemma.
Regardless of your feelings on the evolution of the Keebler company, one cannot deny that Ernie Keebler’s ability to go from rags to riches in the vape industry is a testament to the American Dream. You may ask yourself, “Didn’t Mr. Keebler’s multimillion-dollar cookie empire help him acquire all the necessary capital and corporate connections to make breaking into another industry extremely easy and profitable?” To answer that question, all I have to say is this: shut up, nerd. Why don’t you put down the Economist and puff some Fudge Stripe like the rest of us, you loser!
