Patriotic! BP Spills Oil In Gulf of America
By Levi Elias
THUNDER HORSE OIL RIG, GULF OF AMERICA – Notoriously clumsy oil corporation BP spilled a record high amount of crude oil into the body of water formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, newly renamed to the Gulf of America. A patriotic celebration for Americans everywhere!
During the infamous 2010 BP oil spill, our beautiful homegrown US oil was horrifically contaminated by the Gulf of Mexico’s murky waters. Luckily, now our upstanding, God-fearing oil can flow through the crystal clear, pristine waters of the Gulf of America, blinding American fish and infecting the lungs of American dolphins. Like fireworks on the 4th of July or marches on Washington before the certification of presidential votes, it is one of the most glorious and uniquely American sights to behold.
Since the Gulf’s name change, aquatic life legally living within the Gulf of America have become naturalized United States citizens, while all the illegals were captured and forced into aquariums. University of Miami marine biologist Christina Monmouth found that since the naturalization and the oil spill, undersea life has drastically changed. “The Gulf of Mexico used to be full of lazy fish who spent all day moving rock and selling seaweed in the middle of the reef. In my 20 years of study, I have never seen a single fish pick up a bible or correctly fill out an I9 form. Frankly, it’s atrocious. But after a good coating in BP’s soothing oil, all of the fish in the Gulf of America have suddenly begun picking themselves up by their bootstraps and getting to work. They file their W2’s on time and even go to church on Sundays! It’s miraculous what a name change can do.”
Thankfully, not every legal sea creature was naturalized and permitted to stay in the Gulf of America. All cubera snapper, mahi mahi, pompano, spanish mackerel, and any other fish that sounds or looks Mexican have been immediately deported to the Caribbean Sea.
