Local Couple Goes Out For Dinner For Valentine’s Day Like the SHEEP They Are

By Levi Elias

LOS ANGELES, CA —  A local straight couple was spotted dining at a fancy restaurant at about 7:30 pm on February 14th, commonly known as Valentine’s Day. What a couple of unoriginal, brainwashed sheeple!

As everyone knows, Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by Big Pharma to sell more Viagra pills to middle aged men who are scared of their wives. But some inside-the-box-thinking idiots seem to think it’s a day of love, lust and romance, like USC power couple Justin Peeler (solid 6) and Amanda Lazarus (Ohio 9, Los Angeles 7). These two future Republicans have been dating for a year and a half, and all they have to show for it is one jointly shared Keurig, two pregnancy scares, and three pumps that actually felt good. 

Before the couple arrived at the restaurant, Justin praised the patriarchy by buying Amanda roses and holding the door open for her like the little bitch he is. Amanda wore makeup she learned how to do from a Youtube tutorial and shoes she bought off a Zappos ad. Talk about real herd mentality.

In the restaurant with the rest of the couples in their sheepish brethren, Justin and Amanda had an indoctrinating conversation consisting of “BAAAAA’s”, “BHAAAAA’s” and “BAAAAAAH’s”. Their waiter David commented that “they mainly talked about their classes, people they don’t like, and how tough it is to find an internship. Some light laughs mixed in. Little bit of hand holding too. You know, basic people shit. But they seemed to be having a nice time, so I wasn’t offended.” 

Years in the future, Justin and Amanda will probably get engaged and post pictures from their extravagant beachside photoshoot on Instagram. Then they’ll get married in a gorgeous ceremony, have two lovely children, five adorable grandchildren and happily grow old with their hands intertwined, reflecting on the beautiful life they built together… What losers!