USC Announces Multi-Million, Top-of-the-Line, Revolutionary Program to Debut Right After You Graduate

By Violet Rose Wang

LOS ANGELES, CA – USC administration announced this morning that they would soon be debuting an extremely expensive, one-of-a-kind, state-of-the-art program for USC students, right after you graduate.

“We’ve thought long and hard on exactly what USC needs, and have spared no expense creating the greatest pedagogical program in America today,” President Folt explained, shining her ultra-wide, ultra-white smile. “Incredible innovations on education like these are exactly what students worldwide pay tuition for. And it’s going to be coming out juuuust after you leave.” Folt then remembered she would be stepping down this year, and burst into tears before being dragged out back.

Admin also stated that the program will debut alongside a new school, football stadium, dining hall, anti-homeless bench, fountain of youth, and fifteen non-age reversing fountains. Street artist Banksy proceeded to jump onto stage, exclaiming that he would be creating several art pieces for each building. This was immediately followed by Disney CEO Bob Iger, saying that he would lead the new designs on each structure. Albert Einstein then declared that he would be a professor in the program, and Obama high-fived him and everyone clapped.

Coincidentally unmentioned at the in-person ceremony, the written announcement stated that tuition would unfortunately have to be rapidly increased to help fund the renovations, but that the students would be easily repaid by all the excellent changes to be made, except in the unlikely scenario that they would be receiving their diplomas that year.

At press time, USC admin had delayed the program’s release to right after any graduate program you might take.