Nosferatu Got Summoned to Jury Duty – What Happened Next Will Leave You Horny

By: Gracie Silberman

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – U.S. citizens called for jury duty faced a rude awakening this week when they arrived at the courthouse to see the ancient Vampire, Nosferatu, summoned alongside them like the sexy beast he is.

“I didn’t even know he was an American citizen.” says one juror, “I’m glad he is though. Major DILF energy. I’ve never wanted to have sex in a trench coat buttoned all the way to the top so much in my life. America needs more of that.” Other jurors agree, declaring that his eyebrows, stalin-esc mustache, minimal speaking, and abundance of whimsy make him the perfect man.

Ultimately, Judge Faye Chess dismissed Nosferatu from the jury, leaving jurors distraught and sexually enraged. “Of course I wanted him on the jury,” she explained. “That amount of raw sex appeal would finally add some entertainment to this boring ass job. But frankly, I was uncomfortable summoning a man who I could feel summoning me towards his erotic body with his mind powers. Also, he showed a major bias for the defendant in this cannibalism case.”

This isn’t the first time vampires have invaded Washington; in 2008, Forks, Washington’s Police Department, led by Charlie Swan, faced charges for covering up the town’s secret werewolf vs. vampire war. Witnesses reported similar levels of horniness in this incident as well.  

Nosferatu was livid by his dismissal and has now plagued the city of Seattle with horrific visions of being sequestered in jury duty, causing city-wide chaos and sexual uproar. When asked for a comment, Nosferatu blew up. Literally. He burst into flames. Turns out vampires can’t go outside.