Selfish Asshat Who Thinks He’s A Comedian Ruins Perfectly Good Game of Telephone For Everyone
By Megan Dang
LOS ANGELES, CA — Last night a tight-knit group of pals playing Telephone had their fun completely derailed by someone who clearly has no respect for the rules of the game.
In a game like Telephone, rules are everything. Rules are the thin divider between a good time and a bad time—between controlled, authentic gameplay and utter cacophony. And local narcissistic asshat James Wicker thought that he, alone, James Wicker, was sooo funny and special that he (James Wicker) should be the person to alter this age-old structure and throw his (James Wicker’s) entire party into chaos.
The game started out tame, with Sally Robinson getting the ball rolling with a zany, adorkable sentence. “Pink elephants do jumping jacks in the bouncy house,” Robinson whispered to her friend, Morgan Cowell. Cowell gave a gleeful chuckle at how silly this was, given that elephants aren’t supposed to be pink, and they certainly shouldn’t be doing jumping jacks on account of their weight! What a laugh these friends had. And what depraved savagery awaited them.
Robinson’s original sentence underwent a few mutations as the game went on, eventually morphing into the delightfully nonsensical “Pink elephants lump their fat with Mickey Mouse.” However, when the sentence reached James Wicker, he thought he would spice things up a little.
“Mickey Mouse has the fattest cock in Disney canon,” Wicker whispered to the unassuming next player, Thomas Morley. As the last person in the train, Morley was slightly concerned about the uncouth contents of the message, but he decided to shout out the final sentence anyway for the wellbeing of the group and the sanctity of Telephone. It was instantly met with a stunned, tense silence and horrified tears.
“James Wicker thought he was being funny,” Robinson later recounted furiously. “But it wasn’t. It wasn’t funny. None of us even said anything about Mickey Mouse’s… delicates. He just made the whole game about himself. Telephone isn’t about him. It’s not about anyone.” She choked up as she went on: “Telephone is about everyone, regardless of nation, color, creed, gender, sex, or what have you. Telephone is every Live Aid song in perfect harmony except if Huey Lewis was actually good. Telephone is the world. It is the picture of what a utopian society could look like if only everyone might do their part and sacrifice any ego for the greater good… and James Wicker just had to destroy all of that for a laugh. Well, James Wicker? Was it worth it? Was it? Huh?”
“Honestly, I like Telephone Pictionary better,” said Wicker when asked to comment.
