Twitter Likes Reinstated: Girls Around the World Excited to Stalk Their Situationships a Sixth Way

By Gracie Silberman

WASHINGTON D.C. – Twitter, sorry, X has finally brought back the best invention of all time: viewable likes, leading to an increase in users in the female 18-24 demographic as girls rush to see if they can find hints of attention on their situationship’s page.

Elon Musk, owner of X, reinstated viewable twitter likes after wondering if Daddy Trump thought he was a good boy. He also believed that RFK was saving the best furry twitter porn and he had to have a looksie.

Cyberstalking has been around since the beginning of the internet. We all remember listening in on your mom’s call on the family land line or making sure your ex wasn’t selling your jarred bath water on Craigslist. However, internet culture has only made it harder. The once easy MySpace Top 8 has now become an FBI deepdive into if that 5’8” guy you met has been liking Minion memes because he wants to Gru on your banana until you bello.

Girls around the western hemisphere explain that their previous ways of stalking just weren’t enough. When asked what other methods they’d resorted to, they named Instagram likes/tags, TikTok reposts, Pinterest, Goodreads, Letterboxd, Mother’s Facebook page, Venmo, binoculars, mail fraud, private investigators, and stolen medical files confirming an active sex life. Personally, I don’t see why that’s weird.

Historians explain that this is not a new phenomenon. In the 1600s, girls sent carrier pigeons to spy on their lovers, climbed mountains to find oracles, and famously performed dark magic and witchcraft. When convicted, a Salem Witch was asked if she had any final words on her stalking the boys in the orchard with love poisoned crows, she simply replied, “Girls will be girls.”