Carol Folt Finally Locks The Fuck In For Final Semester

By Levi Elias

LOS ANGELES, CA — Soon-to-be retired USC president Carol Folt just realized that she’s wasted her entire six year presidential tenure fooling around and getting blasted as balls on BuzzBallz during commencement. Now, in her final semester, if she wants to fulfill her dream of being the greatest USC president of all time, she’s really gotta lock the fuck in.

For the bulk of her presidency, Folt spent most of USC’s funding on fences, ID scanners, hookers, and blow. But now is finally her time to turn over a new leaf and get in good graces with the USC population. “I know I’ve been fucking around a lot and not everyone has liked the decisions I’ve made, but trust me, this semester I’m gonna get my shit together,” said President Folt. “These next few months I’m gonna grind my friggin’ ass off, seriously. I’m gonna camp out in Leavey all night. It’s gonna happen.”

President Folt has attempted to implement new university wide policies like recycling bins and sustainability initiatives to cement her presidential legacy, but nobody really seems to give a shit because that stuff is boring. She even locked in hard enough to come up with the genius idea to give out free pizza to students outside the library during finals… But even free ooey gooey cheese pizza was not enough to win back the admiration of the student body. “I’m too late. There’s only one way to become USC’s greatest president now. I have to throw the biggest and craziest party of all time,” said Folt as she finished shotgunning her fifth beer of the day. “It’s about to get wild up in this bitch!”

“Booze. Drugs. Ice luges. Bouncy castles. Circus clowns. Strippers. Papa John’s Pizza. A DJ that looks a lot like Leonard Maltin. A ferris wheel that only seats 12 people for some reason. If I’m going out, I’m going out with a bang!” stated Folt at her State of the University address. “Everybody better pull up or else I’ll fail you. I’m still president for two more months, which means I can do whatever I want. So let’s get wasted! I got all the disassociated frats to help me plan it, so it’s gonna be poppin’”.

The massive rager will be held on April 1st at her personal mansion in Santa Monica. Entry is free for all students. ID’s will be scanned at the entrance. Fight on!