USC Students Agree: St. Patrick’s Day On Spring Break Is A Waste of a Good Excuse to Drink

By Quinn Healey

LOS ANGELES, CA/CABO SAN LUCAS, MEX – In a rare display of solidarity, the USC Interfraternity and Pan-Hellenic Councils and Undergraduate Student Government have approached the administration with a single request: shift Spring Break by a week so Frats can throw on St. Patrick’s Day (colloquially referred to as “St. Fratty’s Day”) Weekend.

When USC administrators countered the request, citing fellow California institution Cal Poly SLO’s issues with rowdy students destroying school property and causing millions of dollars in damage during last year’s St. Fratty’s Day festivities, the special interest group countered with a simple yet ingenious point, retorting “NEEERRRDDDSSSSS”

Unfortunately, the Luck of the Irish was yet again not on the side of the Trojans. Although the students made a compelling argument for their right to rage, the University of Scandals and Corruption has determined that they cannot sustain another blow to their otherwise perfect reputation.

Don’t spend too much time feeling sorry for those poor Trojans, though: the frats are now seizing the opportunity to hold an Irish Car Bomb drinking competition in Cabo, featuring every student who knows how to ski.