Local Man’s Mood Completely Tied to Pokemon TCG Pocket Luck

By Nino Muratori

LOS ANGELES, CA — It was a beautiful day in sunny Southern California when Braeden Kohler’s friends introduced him to a harmless game called “Pokemon Trading Card Game Pocket”. Little did his friends know the immeasurable destruction they were about to wreak upon Braeden’s life, as his mood would soon become completely dependent on his luck in the game.

For those of you who aren’t cool as fuck and drowning in bitches, Pokemon TCG Pocket is a mobile trading card game where you can collect, trade, and battle with Pokemon cards. The most enticing aspect of the game is the daily card pack you can open, where you dance with Lady Luck to pull a rare card you can show off to other degenerates on the community page to get, like, maybe five thumbs up. You can even pay the $10/month subscription to open ONE more delicious pack to get better odds. You want to do it, don’t you? You dirty little harlot. While the dopamine rush from this pseudo-gambling addiction is incredible when you pull a rare card, some players can go weeks on end without any luck…and very bad things can happen as a result, as they did for Braeden.

According to Braeden’s roommates, Braeden’s mood deteriorated rapidly after seeing his roommate, Chuck Sampson, pull an Immersive Mewtwo two days after he got the game. He became irrational and unpredictable, he stopped eating and going to class, he pushed away friends and family, and he even went as far as to stop pressing the “Thanks!” button after wonder-picking. “The final straw was when I saw him play a Celebi deck in a ranked tournament and he flipped 18 tails in a row, doing zero damage, and losing the tournament. Suddenly our relationship turned into that scene where Anakin argues with Padme on Mustafar,” recounted Kaitlyn Murray, Braeden’s ex-girlfriend.

The Braeden Kohler Case has since baffled psychologists and neuroscience researchers alike after he went on to barricade himself in Doheny Library and lose his life in a shoot-out with DPS. Detective Nico Mordini, currently working on the case, stated, “I’ve never seen anything like this. The more I uncover, the more horrified I become. Who knows how far this goes? But one thing is for certain; this game is– YOOOOO I JUST PULLED A CROWN CHARIZARD. LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO. Nah this shit is actually gas, I don’t know what the fuck that Brandon kid was on, lol.”