Top 10 Reasons To Cage All Gingers
By: Gracie Silberman
It’s St. Paddy’s Day season, which unfortunately means all the gingers are coming out. Here’s to hoping they hop on a rainbow and never return! But, if they must stay, I propose we cage them all (except for you Conan O’brien, you’re safe with me).
10. They need higher doses of anesthesia to successfully go under. That’s not only costly but is also wasting our precious medical resources. Also, that’s like witch-core and I don’t mess with that.
9. Name one ginger you’ve met that didn’t give vague furry vibes. You can’t do it. Studies show that 85% of furries choose red fur and over 60% of furries are ginger. The national furry convention has also now classified Leprechauns as a subsect of furries, meaning 100% of gingers are furries.
8. My cousins are ginger and they never let me win Super Smash Bros. One of them is 6’6”. Imagine a 6’6” ginger running at you during a friendly game of capture the flag. You can’t bounce back from that.
7. No one who burns that easily was meant to bear this earth for long. I’m done worrying about the UV for my ginger friends. If you’re so scared of the sun, stay in the dungeon.
6. My ex is ginger. Honestly, that’s my bad though, I should’ve known better.
5. There’s an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to discrimination against ginger people and that feels like it was made by a ginger looking for attention. You have three whole Disney princesses with your hair type! That’s like one less than the amount of POC princesses.
4. My sister once dated a ginger who’s favorite Disney movie was The Lion King 1 ½ which is satanic and speaks for their taste level on a whole.
3. Think of all the lame ginger villains out there. Chuckie? Two apples tall. Syndrome from The Incredibles? Heavy pick-me energy. Pennywise the dancing clown? Stupid dancer. The only one that gets a pass is Poison Ivy.
2. When I was a kid I had nightmares about the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and personally I blame any relationship issues, mental health problems, or academic failure I’ve ever had on him. There’s a poster of him on my wall that I throw darts at every time I’m told I “will never amount to anything” and “need to stop turning in fanfic of yourself and Conan O’Brien to WRIT 150”.
1. I’m secretly a ginger. Alas, the day has come when I must confess to my sins. I will make my way to my cage valiantly. I hope to see all you carrot-tops there. I know what must be done, and so do all of you so get ready to single-file to the dungeon at the next ginger meeting.
