Term “DEI” Changes to “Community” to Reinforce USC’s Values as a Community College

By Levi Elias

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an email sent to the USC population by the Office of the Senior Vice President of Human Resources regarding USC’s Unifying Values, the term “Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI)” is broadened out into the term “Community”. This is to reinforce USC’s institutional values as a Community College. 

Where DEI was in place to support people who come from backgrounds that have been historically marginalized, “Community” will kinda stand for whatever you want it to stand for depending on the circumstances, who you are, and who’s watching. “In these confusing political times, vague is the name of the game,” says USC president Carol Folt. “We’re probably still going to do all the same stuff we normally do, but the plan is to be super vague about it so neither side can yell at us. Even though both probably will. They always do. I’m so tired of being yelled at. It really hurts my feelings. I’m ready for retirement”. 

USC’s strongly held beliefs of being a community college go far past just terminology. From now on, USC will only be accepting pretty much anyone who can afford it. However, to stand out from ordinary community colleges who charge about $1,200 per year, USC will retain its very reasonable price point at $100,000 per year to emphasize that they are not like other community colleges. They are the best community college! And as students learn in their economics classes, luxury products are allowed to charge luxury prices as long as there is a demand. They also learn that poor people are poor because they don’t work hard enough, and there are no additional underlying societal factors!

As a part of USC’s stance towards promoting community, the Senior Vice President of Human Resources herself, Stacy Giwa, will be directing a “Community Movie” which will be released one day in the future. But probably not soon because the actor’s keep having scheduling conflicts… **cough cough** Donald Glover.