Opinion: Why I, A 5’10” Unathletic Male, Am The Perfect Candidate To Replace Juju Watkins This Season
By Dean Woods
LOS ANGELES, CA – The USC community and the nation as a whole witnessed a devastating moment on Monday night as Juju Watkins sustained a painful ACL tear. This injury will unfortunately render the superstar player unable to participate in the rest of the NCAA tournament. As we wish Juju a speedy and safe recovery, luckily, I’m here to step in. Here are the reasons why I, a 5’10” unathletic man, can fill her shoes.
Reason #1: I played basketball in middle school
That’s right. It’s been about nine years, but I used to be a killer on the court. With 0 layups, 0 free throws, 1 three-point shot, and 15 fouls, I had some pretty awesome potential. My coach rarely put me on the court because he told me he felt bad for the other team. Put me in the Galen Center and I’ll show the other team no mercy. This time my dad won’t be shouting at me to do better.
Reason #2: I own not one, but two Juju Watkins Funko Pops
Some people go to the gym in the morning. Some people take a shower. Some people go to church. Not me. I get up and pray each morning to my two Juju Watkins bobbleheads ($12.99 at the USC Bookstore), which give me the strength to make it through each day. If I were on the USC Women’s Basketball team, I’m sure my Funko Pops would grant me a fraction of Juju’s powers– hopefully enough to make up for our 4 inch height difference.
Reason #3: Juju’s jersey number, 12, is my favorite number
With USC struggling financially, we wouldn’t even need to pay for a new sports costume! I like the number 12. It might be a little baggy on me but I could definitely fit into her jersey. Plus, I was 12 years old the last time I played basketball. The universe is telling Coach Gottlieb to recruit me. It’s time to deliver my special move, Dean’s desperate dozen (I unsuccessfully try to get a rebound 12 times).
