Guy Running Stock Market Graph Just Tracing the Track of El Toro at Six Flags Great America
by Melanie Hoffmann WALL STREET — As the novel coronavirus has been wreaking havoc on public life, amusement parks have
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Woman Working from Home Grabbing Own Ass for Sense of Normalcy
By Melanie Hoffmann LOS ANGELES, CA — Despite recent openings of restaurants and retail locations, many offices remain shut due
Read moreFemale Jogger Breaks Personal Record for Most Miles with Van Following
By Melanie Hoffmann TUCSON, AZ — On Thursday, local Tucson resident Winona Clark passed a personal milestone in her fitness Read more
Seven-Year-Old Playing Doctor Put to Work in COVID-19 Unit
by Melanie Hoffmann ONTARIO, CA — Medical school students across the country have been graduating early to help fight the Read more
Local Man Swears Mother’s Day Card was Lost in Mail on Way to her Room
By Melanie Hoffmann FRESNO, CA — Despite the tragedy of the COVID-19 pandemic, local mother Martha Ginderson was happy that Read more
White House Panics After Grimes and Elon Musk Name their Baby the Nuclear Launch Codes
By Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — When Tesla CEO Elon Musk and musical artist Claire Boucher (“Grimes”) announced the name Read more
Supreme Court Rules Gerrymandering Unconstitutional Unless District Shaped Like Penis
by Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court has finally found a compromise regarding the bipartisan issue of gerrymandering. Read more
Freshman with Sock on Door Could Have Easily Sent Text
by Melanie Hoffmann NEW/NORTH RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE — Freshman resident Randy Danvers caused widespread confusion among his floormates after hanging a Read more
Opinion: Fun Fact Could Have Been Funner
by Melanie Hoffmann BIRNKRANT SECOND FLOOR — The beginning-of-the-year floor meeting was thrown into an unbearable awkward silence when resident Read more