Nation’s Politicians Vow To Talk About Police Reform Until They’re Re-Elected
By Jonathan Krone WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a rousing call that they really hope their constituents will hear, the nation’s Read more
Politics
“Why Can’t They Just Protest Peacefully?” Complains Darth Vader
By Drew Thomas-Nathan A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY — Recent violent scuffles with the Rebel Alliance led Dark Lord of Read more
Marshall Student Uses Stimulus Check to Buy Three More Stimulus Checks
By Karan Menon UNIVERSITY PARK, CA — In a stroke of financial genius, Marshall School of Business senior Barnett Rogers Read more
White House Panics After Grimes and Elon Musk Name their Baby the Nuclear Launch Codes
By Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — When Tesla CEO Elon Musk and musical artist Claire Boucher (“Grimes”) announced the name Read more
CDC Recommends Everyone Wear Spider-Man Mask to Distract the Coronavirus and Let the Real Spider-Man Escape
By Drew Thomas-Nathan QUEENS, NY — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention put out new guidelines Thursday morning urging Read more
Upstart Candidate Clillary Hinton Joins Democratic Race
by Gia King Just as things are beginning to heat up in the race for the Democratic nomination, an already-crowded Read more
Supreme Court Rules Gerrymandering Unconstitutional Unless District Shaped Like Penis
by Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court has finally found a compromise regarding the bipartisan issue of gerrymandering. Read more
Carol Folt Praised for Covering Up All the Scandals So Far
By Jonathan Krone LOS ANGELES, CA — Speaking behind closed doors in a shadowy lair, chairman of the University of Read more
Three Little Pigs Not Allowed to Testify, Big Bad Wolf Acquitted
By Seth Woodhouse THE BIG WIDE WORLD — The Aesopnate voted narrowly Friday to bring the imscreechment trial of the Read more
Trump Legal Team Employs Watertight “I Know You Are But What Am I?” Defense
By Jonathan Krone WASHINGTON, DC — Several days into the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, his legal team has unveiled Read more