“Researchers Find” Makes Headline Sound More Official
By Thomas Johnston
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World
Scientists Learn COVID-19 Can Be Transmitted Through Gamer Girl Bathwater
By Alexandra Ornes CAMBRIDGE, MA ― Researchers at MIT have discovered a new hotbed for the COVID-19 virus: gamer girl
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Opinion: Yikes!
By Rachel Michelman PRESENT DAY — Woah. Oh boy! Just… wow, right? Can you believe this? Of course you can.
Read moreScientist Discovers Pleasurable New N-spot While Swabbing Nose for Corona
By Alexandra Miller LOS ANGELES, CA — A breakthrough medical discovery confirming the existence of a new pleasure center, the
Read moreNintendo to Celebrate Mario’s 35th Anniversary by Blowing Up an Italian Eatery Every Day For 35 Days
By Drew Thomas-Nathan KYOTO, JAPAN — The year 2020 marks the 35th anniversary of the original Super Mario Bros game
Read moreKim Jong-un Goes Into Coma In Order to Weed Out Any Advisors Stupid Enough to Fall For This Again
By Drew Thomas-Nathan PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un deliberately faked falling into a coma yet again
Read moreApple Sales Plummet as Doctors Stay Six Feet Away
By Drew Thomas-Nathan AURORA, CD — Apple products are yet another industry taking a hit from the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic.
Read moreREPORT: Amelia Earhart Was Actually Just Right Here! In This Big Ol’ Tire!
By Finn Kobler A BIG OL’ TIRE, ND – For decades, the location of lost pilot Amelia Earhart has remained
Read moreFact-Check: Billie Eilish is Not the “Bad Guy,” or At Least Not as Bad as Jeffrey Epstein
By Drew Thomas Nathan Alternative pop superstar Billie Eilish has become infamous for calling herself the bad guy in her
Read moreUSC’s Fall Plans Force Empty Nesters to Abandon Dreams of Moving to Fiji and Starting a Throuple
By Bryn Doyle REDDING, CA – The Twin XL sheets and Facetime schedule were all prepared for August in the
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